29th Oct

29th Oct Wed Sunny to Cloudy, which is not a good sign


I went to Yang's graduation
I didnt stay for the whole thing
I just went there and met some people
I met Yang, Crystal, Aaron, Nick, Tucker and some others.
Didn't see M......
I was expecting to see him
But, I saw.....I still don't want to mention his name
Anyway, I saw XXXXX, who will recall me about M
I then realised that he would come too...it's also his graduation...
But, I didn't see him at all untill I left
I wasn't really disappointing
But....be honest, I do want to know how he's getting, how's his life going these days
I hope he's not going to quit school

Just now, I was looking at the photos that I took when I was studying in CCSS
All these pictures, all these people
Sometimes I feel I'm always living in the past
I always stay at what I'm, and don't want to grow up or change
But, the truth is I do have changes, and I have changed a lot since I have been to Aust
Looking at those photos, I...actually, I was a bit shocked, how can I have such a big change
If I put my those photos on facebook, I believe most people that I met in this year will be shocked-----I don't even know how to describe how I looked like before......
Life has worked on us...
God has worked on us...
I know I should thank God for what He has done for me
But...I really don't like who I'm now
"If you don't even like yourself, no one else on the earth will like you."
It's true, I deserve it......
These days, I feel I'm ugly from inside to outside.....
Sometimes, I even want to say "I'm such a B......!"
I want to a positive person
I want to think positively
I want to change positively
I want to see the bright side of this world
I want to love and care others with a pure heart
I want to be purified
I really need to learn how to be nice to people
And it's more important for me to know how to look after myself properly
I really need to learn that

Watched the Arts Degree work opportunities video today
There are a few of things really knock me up
One lady in the video says "I still don't know where I'm going, but I know what quality I want in my job."
For me, I think I don't have any idea for neither of them
I don't know where I'm heading to, and I also don't know what I really want in my job
Or, maybe I do know what I want for my job
I just want a normal job with a reasonable pay that makes a living for myself
I was thinking maybe I should be a home-economics teacher early of the day
It chould be fun for me to do that
I love children, so I do like to work with them
I also like cooking; I just bought three cooking books today (one is for Yang's bday present)
It maybe a good idea for me to become a teacher and teach those kids something that I enjoy to do
Sounds great, right?
But......
Try to be positive!

But....still can not go out of the....shade of something......
I just realised today, the 30th, it will be my last day for my recovering time
After today, I shouldn't give myself any excuse to be upset by what happened
But....I was sad again this(yesterday's ) morning......
These days, I don't really want to talk
I am quite moody most of days
I have been quite anti-social
I don't trust most people
I don't want to get alone with others

I even want to leave again.......

I'm sorry about what I have done
Can I cry one more day?
Sorry.....I let you worry
Sorry, I will learn how to take good care of myself
I will
Please, believe me, I will, give me some time